Jules C
by Poppy Ro
Summary: Julius Caesar is the new President of Italy. But his extravagant lifestyle makes fellow senators Brutus and Cassius insecure. His wife and mistresses start to smell the skeletons in his closet. Rated T for swearing... watch out for RANDOMNESS!
1. Act 1

**Hey people!**

**This is a totally cracked parody that I thought of two years ago when we had done Julius Caesar in English class. I finally fought my lazy instincts and wrote it down.**

**This is Julius Caesar as you've never seen before. Don't ask how I brought Cleopatra in here. Just read...**

**Watch out for randomness! **

**Don't forget to review! This is the first time I'm writing a fanfic which is not of an Anime...**

**Anyway, Enjoy! :)**

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><p><strong><span>List of Characters<span>**

Julius Caesar

Calphurnia: Legal wife of Caesar

Portia: Wife of Brutus with hots for Caesar

Cleopatra: Queen of Egypt, girlfriend and ally of Caesar

Marcus Brutus: Senator of Italy

Gaius Cassius: Senator of Italy

Decius Brutus/ Coffee: Senator of Italy

Mark Antony: Caesar's faithful assistant

Marullus and Flavius: Officers

Gina: Cleopatra's best friend

Helen: Pet cobra of Cleopatra

Bongo: Pet duck of Portia

**Act 1**

Scene 1

Rome: A street

[Enter a Flavius and Marullus, a drunk man, a girl in hot pants and crowd of wild, out of control people, with drugs and drinks]

Flavius: Oh my god! Look at these filthy people! What the hell is going on?

Marullus: Why the hell are they having an ORGY in broad daylight? Did all the people's senses die along with Pompey?

Flavius: Dude, this is just INSANE! Now I know why that Jules-ass got elected as the President! He promised to legalize wild ORGIES!

Marullus: (To a drunk man beside him) Hey, doesn't your conscience tell you anything against indulging in such barbaric activities in broad daylight?

Drunk Man: Dude, its Caesar's 63rd B'day! Come and join the party!

Flavius: How can you take a leave for a pathetic reason like that? Where are the signs of your profession that ought to be on you on a working day?

Drunk Man: Uh…

Marullus: (Yells to everyone) How can you people be so vile? How can you forget our dear President Pompey who did so much for raising the standards of education in the country and celebrate the darn birthday of a fag!

Girl in hot pants: Hey, you two, why don't you get a life and mind your own business? President Caesar said that we can have orgies in the street.

Drunk Man: Yeah, why don't you just fuck off?

Flavius: You…

Girl in hot pants: (To the people) Hey people, these two dimwits are insulting our President. Let's beat the crap out of them.

(People cheer and begin to beat up Flavius and Marullus. They die)

People: Long live Caesar!

[Exeunt]

Scene 2

Plush hotel ground: JC's private B'day party

(Enter Julius Caesar, Calpurnia, Mark Antony, Brutus, Cassius, the rest of the useless senators, hot girls, hot dudes and belly dancers)

Caesar: Attention people!

Antony: Peace ho! Caesar wishes to speak. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend your ears…

Caesar: (whispers to Mark Antony) Hey Mark, would you stop acting like an asstarded drama-king and actually let ME speak?

Antony: Yes boss.

Caesar: Thank you for being here at this beautiful occasion. (He lifts up his glass) Cheers!

People: Cheers!

Caesar: OK, who wants to check out my pink Rolls-Royce that my girl-, I mean ally sent me yesterday?

(People cheer)

[Exeunt everyone except Brutus and Cassius]

Cassius: Hey Bru, aren't you gonna see that Rolls-Royce?

Brutus: No.

Cassius: Why?

Brutus: None of your fucking business.

Cassius: Hey Bru bro, you've been acting emo lately. What's up?

Brutus: Get lost Cass!

Cassius: You know what, you shouldn't treat your friends like that. You don't treat JC like that.

Brutus: Hey, would you SHUT THE FUCK UP? I don't crush on JC, okay?

Cassius: Dude, I totally know that. But the way that geezer watches you…

Brutus: I know! It sucks! It creeps me out to death!

Cassius: Just imagine how your ancestors would feel if they saw you like this! You cannot let JC do this to you. Plus, he spends all his money in wild parties. At this rate, there won't be any money left for our salaries for doing absolutely nothing.

Brutus: You are so right man! If I don't get any salary, how will I prove my royalty? I have to wear purple nail polish as royal Romans are supposed to do that.

Cassius: Really dude? Nail polish?

Brutus: Yeah. I find purple robes boring so I wear nail polish.

Cassius: (freaked out) Riiiiggggghhhhtttt!

Brutus: So you got any ideas?

Cassius: Yeah. I'll see you at your garden at dawn.

[Exeunt]

Scene 3

[Enter Cleopatra with her pet cobra, Helen]

Cleopatra: OMG! Did you hear about that Helen? There is a sale at Gucci from tomorrow.

Helen: Hisssssss

Cleopatra: Yeah! Me too! I'm so excited! I will buy everything over there!

[Enter Cleopatra's friend Gina. She is very excited.]

Oh hey Gina! I was just talking to Hel-

Gina: Cleo you have to listen to this! You don't know what I just heard!

Cleopatra: Would you just calm down. Here have some champagne. (Pours champagne in a glass.]

Gina: [Sips] JC's cheating on you.

Cleopatra: What? You mean that old geezer?

Gina: Yup!

Cleopatra: Give me the details please, dear sister.

Gina: We are sisters?

Cleopatra: Just go with the flow, okay?

Helen: Hissssss

Gina: Uh... okay! JC had a birthday party yesterday and he was seen hanging out with many girls. And his wife and he apparently are not divorced yet like he promised.

Cleopatra: That son of a bitch!

Helen: Hissssss hiss hisss hissssss hisssssss hisss hsisss

Cleopatra: I know Hel! He's a darn asshole! (Stands up) C'mon Gina, we're going to Rome!

Gina: But Milan is so much better. I have to check out that new store beside-

Cleopatra: Just shut the hell up and start packing!

Gina: (sad) Hmmmm...

Cleopatra: Don't worry girl, we'll hop by Milan after I'm done in Rome.

Helen: Hisssss hisss

[Exeunt]

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><p><strong>That's the end of Act 1. Act 2 is almost finished. I'll be posting it soon.<strong>

**So, how do you like it? **

**Please Review. :) It feels great to get those.**

**see ya later! Bye for now!  
><strong>


	2. Act 2

****HI AGAIN!****

If you think that Act 1 was cracked, get heady to have and earthquake... :P

Here's some more randomness...

BTW, Hey Shakespeare, if you can read this from heaven, please don't shoot thunder bolts at me for frying your play...

The rest of you, please Enjoy:

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><p><strong><span>Act 2<span>**

Scene 1

Brutus' orchard.

[Enter Brutus with his Samsung Galaxy S]

Brutus: Darn the weather! It's so damn cold! And that Cass just had to meet at the orchard. Gayassed Moron!

(A gunshot within)

Brutus: OOOOHHHH a new text message. (Reads) _Hey Brutus, do you have balls or what? Can't you see what the old geezer is doing? Redress! _

Oh god! This is the third time this week. Who are these people sending me texts via Yahoo Messenger about JC? Weird.

[Enter Lucius]

Lucius: Sir, someone wants to see you.

Brutus: Oh? Who is it?

Lucius: Some ridiculous idiot. He's wearing a joker costume and his face is painted like a joker. I don't recognize him.

Brutus: (twitching) Send them in.

[Exit Lucius]

Oh Cass, that just ridiculous!

[Enter Cassius]

Cassius: Yo B-man!

Brutus: (raises an eyebrow) Dude, what's with the joker costume?

Cassius: Well I obviously couldn't visit you at this hour dressed like myself. People would get suspicious.

Brutus: But joker?

Cassius: Well… They had a 50% off on this costume. I was actually going to try the Barbie -

Brutus: Okay, I get it! Now quit wasting my time and remind me why I am standing out in the cold.

Cassius: Oh yeah! I've got it all planned out. We do it tomorrow in the office.

Brutus: You mean kill the fag?

Cassius: Yes!

Brutus: Is that you had to say?

Cassius: Oh… and I asked Coffee to go and make sure that he comes to the Senate tomorrow.

Brutus: Okay.

(Awkward pause)

Brutus: That's it?

Cassius: Uh… yeah.

Brutus: You know what, my wife thinks that I have lost my balls 'cause I couldn't do what she wanted me to do.

Cassius: Oh that's so bad. (Winks seductively)

Brutus: Your fault! (Takes off his shoes and starts to hit Cassius.)

[Exit Brutus hitting Cassius]

Scene 2

Brutus' Porch

[Enter Portia and her pet duck, Bongo]

Portia: That fucking Brutus! What the fuck is his problem anyway!

Bongo: Quack, quacccckkkkkk

Portia: Thanks Bongo, He has become such a fag these days! You know, we haven't had any fun in ages!

Bongo: Quack….

Portia: Is he gay or what?

Bongo: Quack quackkkk, quaaaaacck.

Portia: That's a wonderful idea! I'll go to his office and catch him red handed. And maybe check out Jules. (snicker)

[Exeunt]

Scene 3 

Caesar's villa: Living room

[Enter Caesar and Calphurnia]

Caesar: Neither heaven nor earth hadn't been in peace tonight. I…

Calphurnia: Oh don't you fucking talk about heaven and change the topic!

Caesar: Cal darling…

Calphurnia: Don't you darling me, you ass!

Caesar: Please baby…

Calphurnia: No! What you did yesterday can't be overlooked! I know you were missing Brutus all along. And I saw you ogling at those belly dancers.

Caesar: Baby, listen…

Calphurnia: Don't you fucking try and deny that Julius Apollo Montesquieu Remises Stalin von Adolf William Catherine Gross Caesar!

Caesar: Oh god! You can't be so mad at me that you call me by my full name! I'm so sorry darling!

Calphurnia: That fucking fake sorry again! I've had enough of you r bullshit.

Caesar: Please darling… Please let me make it up to you. Just one more chance.

Calphurnia: (smiles) Okay. You won't go to the Senate today. Stay at home with me. (She puts her arms around his neck.) We can go out together. We can hang out just like we used to back in high school.

Caesar: Okay. Anything for you, love. (He holds her waist.)

[Enter Decius Brutus]

Decius: HEY JULES! You won't believe what I just heard! The Senators have planned a special belated b'day party for you! They're getting a strawberry cake!

Caesar: OMG! Got to go! (He leaves Calphurnia and goes.)

(Calphurnia falls flat on her face.)

[Exit Caesar and Decius, running]

Calphurnia: YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE JULIUS! FUCK YOU!

[Exeunt]

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><p><strong>That's it for the time being. Please review:)<strong>

**Please, please review. Your comments are important!**

**Bye now!**


	3. Act 3

**Hello!**

**So here's the last act of my parody. This is the climax. This is the judgement.**

**This is where Jules dies. This is where it all ends...**

**Okay, I'll shut up...**

**And doesn't anyone like (or hate) Shakespeare over here? No one reviewed this story :(**

**WTH!**

**Anyway, read.**

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><p><strong><span>Act 3<span>**

**Scene 1**

Senate: Capitol

[Enter Caesar, Mark Antony, Brutus, and Cassius]

Caesar: Office again! (He sits on his chair and spins it.) Feels so great! OMG! Antony, what the hell is this!

Antony: What's wrong boss?

Caesar: Didn't I ask you to keep pink lillies in this Versace vase?

Antony: Well, boss, you see, the friends, Romans, countrymen didn't lend me their ears when I...

Caesar: Antony, just cut the crap out and GO!

Antony: But boss...

Caesar: NOW!

Antony: Yes boss.

[ExitAntony]

(Brutus and Cassius are snickering madly with their hands on their respective mouths)

Caesar: WHEW! It's so difficult to find good assistants these days...

Cassius: You won't be needing assistants... not after today... (he laughs evilly)

Caesar: (Raises an eyebrow) What's with that Mo Jo Jo Jo laugh?

Brutus: You don't wanna know. (Takes out a dagger.)

Caesar: How sweet of you to bring the knife to cut the cake with!

Brutus: Cake?

Caesar: Yeah! Where's the cake?

Cassius: What cake?

Caesar: Yeah, you were going to give me a belated b'day party, right? I see you brought the knife to cut the cake. So where is the freaking cake?

Brutus: (To Cassius) Dude, what the heck is he talking about?

Caesar: Cassius, you freak! You ate my cake, didn't you? I hate you! You filthy cake eater!

Brutus: Cassie, what the heck is going on? I'm starting to freak out!

Cassius: (Equally cluelessly and totally randomly) Bru ate your cake!

Brutus: Uh, WTF!

Caesar: _Et tu Brute?_

[Enter Cleopatra by slamming the door open. She goes straight to Caesar's table and takes him by the collar.]

Cleopatra: YOU MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!

Caesar: (flabbergasted) Cleo, baby...

Cleopatra: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU HALF-ASSED RETARD? YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHO I AM! QUEEN CLEOPATRA OF EGYPT! YOU THINK YOU CAN PLAY AROUND WITH ME, HUH?

Brutus: (tries to take him off Caesar) Excuse me, Miss Cleopatra of Egypt -

Cleopatra: Get Lost, you freak! (She pushes Brutus off.)

(Brutus falls over Cassius in a VERY objectionable position.)

[Enter Portia]

Portia: Jules darlin g... OMFG! BRUTUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!

Brutus: No, no Portia, it's not what -

Portia: YOU FAG! I'm Cato's daughter. I cannot stand this insult. I'm mcalling Daddy right now! You always freaking disappear at night and never tell me anything!

(She goes upto Caesar)

Jules, you were right! He is a fag! I'm going to divorceing him. I wanna be with you.

Cleopatra: (Turns to Portia, surprised) You're going to marry him?

Portia: (embarrassed) Yeah, well, he told me he likes me. Since Brutus is out of the way now, I can be with him.

Cleopatra: (to Caesar) You better have a very good explanation for this.

Caesar: Cleo, I -

Brutus: NOOOOOOOOOOO! This can't be happening to me! I'm not gay, Portia! I swear in the name of purple nail polish!Please don't do this.

Portia: (bored) Go to hell.

Brutus: No Jules, you don't deserve to die. I do. I have nothing else to live for.

Cassius: (Takes Brutus' hand) No B-Man! I won't let you die.

Brutus: There's no reason for me to live. I deserve to die. Not Jules.

Caesar: Uh, I guess I am wrong, but were you planning on Killing me?

Cleopatra: STFU! Don't disturb. This is better than Jersey Shore.

Cassius: Then I will die with you!

Brutus: (watery eyes) Really Cass?

Cassius: Nay, just kidding... hehe...

(Portia and Cleopatra groan in displeasure.)

Brutus: So much for friendship...

Cassius: Hey, do you mind if I take your new Armani shoes and that YSL suit?

Brutus: Hello? I'm serious, okay? Can you co-operate for once?

[Enter Calphurnia and Mark Antony]

Calphurnia: You asstard! Did you ask Antony to get you fucking pink lilies? Those are Cassius' favourite flowers. Are you really going to try and screw Cassius too?

Caesar: ...

Cassius: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Calphurnia: Answer me, you fag!

Caesar: Well, you see, I was in the washroom the other day and he was there too. He was kinda hot...

Cassius: (falls to the ground) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I don't believe this! Jules Fag was going to try and screw me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cleopatra, Portia, Calphurnia: (Whispers in unison) What a drama queen...!

Brutus: Oh Cassie! (Hugs him.)

Cassius: Oh B-man! (Hugs back.)

Mark Antony: (snickers) Ohhhh... Gay porn! (Eyes the three women.) Hot girls! Today is my lucky day. (Licks his lips.)

Brutus: Let's kill ourselves.

Cassius: We will find peace in heaven.

(They stab each other and die.)

Portia: Oh well, that takes care of one of my problems.

Cleopatra: Damn! I though they would make out.

Calphurnia: Me too! This sucks!

Cleopatra: Oh, hey! Aren't you Calphurnia?

Calphurnia: Yeah. Aren't you Cleopatra of Egypt?

Cleopatra: That I am. I'm sorry to ask, but aren't you and Jules on the verge of separating?

Calpurnai: What? (Turns to Caesar.) You were going to divorce me? Even after I bought you that Louis Vuitton bag last week?

Caesar: Girls, you see...

Portia: Jules, weren't you supposed to marry me? You said that Calphurnia had eloped with Cicero.

Calphurnia: WTF! That billion year old bald dick? NO fucking way! What the fuck is this Julius Apollo Montesquieu Remises Stalin von Adolf William Catherine Gross Caesar?

Cleopatra: Girls, I think I know what's going on here.

Portia: Me too.

Calphurnia: He has been playing with all three of us! GET HIM!

Caesar: No. Please. I can explain...

Antony: Oh boy! This is so damn good!

(The three women start to hit Caesar with their stiletto heels. He dies.)

Cleopatra: That's what you get for trying to play smart ass with the Quuen of Egypt!

Portia: Go to hell! Cato's daughter has had her revenge!

Calphurnia: Son of a fucking bitch! You don't deserve me, the former Miss Universe!

Antony: Now's the right time...

(The three women hi10 and cheer.)

Calphurnia, Cleopatra, Portia: Girl Power FOREVER!

Antony: NOOOOOO! My poor boss! (Sinks to the ground, weeping.)

Cleopatra: Poor dude...

Calphurnia: Awwww... He was really loyal to his boss...

Portia: I'm sorry you had to go through this...

(They all hug Antony)

Antony: (Flashes his victory grin and shows a thumbs up.) Mission accomplished! Today is MY lucky day!

[Exeunt]

**Scene 2**

The Grand Heaven Train Station: Platform No. 8

[Brutus and Cassius get down from the train.]

Brutus: Finally! Heaven at last!

Cassius: You're so right B-man! We made it!

Brutus: It's time for a new Caesar-free begining Cassie...

Cassius: Yes. We'll rent a little pink house by the clouds...

[A train arrives at the adjoining Platform No. 9. Caesar gets down]

Caesar: OMG! BRU! CASS! I'm here for you!

Brutus and Cassius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The Curtain Falls]

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><p><strong>The story ends here. Nice twists huh? LOL! <strong>

**Please Review. **


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